Band-aid time...

My wife’s mouse died, what are you gonna do. Yes, my wife had a pet mouse, and for the love of God did she love that fuzzy little rodent bastard. I had never imagined before yesterday that a person could get so crazy distraught over a frickin’-frackin’ dirty ass little mouse. Aren’t women supposed to be deathly afraid of mice, hopping up on furniture, squealing, and calling exterminators and what not? So where was the mix-up here.
Though she was nearly inconsolable, I did mange to console her. I took her out and told her that she could buy any ol’ ugly-ass pair of shoes that she likes. I hate shoe shoppin’, and she loves to buy ugly-ass shoes. That turned out to be a good start me thinks. Then I took her to her favorite little place to eat and encouraged her to have a couple of her favorite chocolate martini’s (it was about 1 o’clock in the afternoon by the way). Next, a trip to get her the latest and greatest DVD releases of Sienfeld, by far her favorite show ever. We finished off the afternoon with a lively good romp, if ya know what I mean. All in all a successful afternoon of consoling me thinks.

Gotta love the wife...

Today, my wonderful wife and I went for a walk. We chose to take our walk through this half-ass local nature reserve place that totally sucked, but we enjoyed the walk and the company none the less. Anyhow, somewhere deep in the forest, we came across this unbelievably foul oder, damn near taking us both to our knees, and my favorite person in the world says: “Does a bear shit in the woods?” Absolute brilliance. I could not love this woman more. Good night folks.

Here we go again...

If a bear had no hair, I would certainly stare.
But could it still inflict that usual bear scare?
If he stood up straight, and shook out his bear skin,
Bared his sharp teeth, and roared out to his bear kin,
Would you still cry out until your high voice wore thin?
My advice for escaping this bear with no hair,
Is to close your eyes tight –
And picture him in underwear.

Hey, if you don't like it...

Sometimes, when I’m really bored or distraught, I write things down and just have at. Now, funnily enough (yes, in this blog funnily is a word), those things often come out in the form of really horrific, very poetry-like, blather. This amuses me something awful because I generally despise poetry in any form because generally all poetry is quite god-awful and should quickly be put aside and set asunder. Now, while there are many like it, this blog is mine. So, I put what I like. And if you don’t like it, well *spoken through a megaphone* “Suck my balls.”

*scribbled down many moons ago, but it somehow amused me then, and still amuses me now.
Dawn is here the birds will sing
How does the poop know what to bring.

Silly are most fleeting thoughts
Sometimes creepy, a nightmare lost.

Beans, band-aids, and bullets,
Watch your ass from far away toilets.

Wading in sadness is the child inside
Pleasure seeking for one last time.

I never did mind the little things, it’s fun for you and me
But how long must I circle here, I really have to pee.

There’s a painted man with a big red nose, always dancing at my feet
I think that I might stomp on him, a freshly reddened cleat.

Difficult to cope with all of the knowledge that I have
This world is spinning angrily, a truth that’s iron-clad.

I must lye now, like all the bears in winter
For sorely I do believe, in my left nut there’s a splinter.

I’ll end this now with one last thought
Who would win if turtles fought?

Can it be true?!

Oh happy day! I've heard through the grape-vine that Seasons of Beavis and Butthead are going to be released on DVD, and this time WITH their music video commentaries(the best part I must say)! And that this would just be a pre-cursor to possibly bringing all new episodes back to our ever brain draining television sets. Somebody pinch me.

I scribbled this down many years ago, late at night of course. I dug it out of my closet and figured, well, this would be the place for it eh?


“Hey, how’s it goin’?” What a wonderful phrase
Spoken by a young god, blonde and strange
I’ll keep these words with me the rest of my days.
These words that bring comfort, and make me feel fuzzy
Will we ever look back and say “Beavis, who was he?”

“Hey Baby.” Just do what I say
Come along quietly so I can get laid.
He’s got big gums; he’s a natural born leader
Though all of his thoughts take place in his wiener.
All he gets from the chicks is “Hey loser, drop dead!”
But what kind of world would it be, without Butthead?

They roam around aimlessly spanking their monkeys
Watching TV all day, they’re MTV junkies.
They torture small animals, teachers, and friends
But we will still love them, to the bitter end.

Imagine a world without Beavis and Butthead
I wash my hands of the notion
I would rather be dead.

Listen to my words; you know it’s all true
Life without Beavis and Butthead
What would we do?

Happy Birthday!

Though our birthday's not actually until next week, we celebrated last night. Oh how we celebrated. The extent to which my kind can consume the frothy brew never ceases to amaze me; and God Bless an open bar, what a wonderful thing it is.

Cheers.